my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
