so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
