then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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