I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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