i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
