I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
