i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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