You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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