I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
