I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
