There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
