3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Randomize
