Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
