You can't special order awesome
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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