when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
