Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
