There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
