the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
