I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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