I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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