Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
