You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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