One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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