He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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