I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
