Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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