the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
