I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
