You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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