mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
