Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
