Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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