I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
