I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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