grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
