I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
