I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
