I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
