I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I see more hoeing in ur future
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
