hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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