Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
