god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
