This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
