Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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