I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
