i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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