I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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