My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
