The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
