cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
