Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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